im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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