Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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