you guys were way drunker than both of me
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
