If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
