I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
