Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My cat gives me a boner
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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