i wish peter jackson would direct porn
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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