After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
