My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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