I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
