You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Someone signed my nipple.
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