Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
