I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
