In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
