I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
