I accidentally burped into my bong.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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