I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
