Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
