your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
