I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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