Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
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Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
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A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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