hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
