Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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