pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
it glows. i had to have it.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
