I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
