My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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