Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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