i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
