my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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