that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
