Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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