I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Dignity is for republicans.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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