There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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