We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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