My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
