I wannas sexs uuuuu
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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