What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize