Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
