I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
