She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
