New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
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Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
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On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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