It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
