I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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