so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I'm really busy with my period
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