I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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