I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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