yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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