***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
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What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
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"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.