You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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