he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
