Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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