Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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