I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
