You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
