someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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