It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
