idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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